<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Help Me by icbdrummergirl</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25495795">Help Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/icbdrummergirl/pseuds/icbdrummergirl'>icbdrummergirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Nymphadora Tonks, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Depressed Remus Lupin, Depression, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Teen Romance, Werewolves, double agent Remus Lupin, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:48:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,789</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25495795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/icbdrummergirl/pseuds/icbdrummergirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With Sirius gone, there was nothing left. How was he expected to do this? How could he move on like everyone expected he should? Sirius was gone, James was gone, Lily was gone. He was all that was left, and the loneliness was unbearable. If only they would just leave him be. Dumbledore had been checking in with him regularly and giving plenty to do for the Order, but that Tonks was persistent. She insisted that they could and should grieve the loss of her cousin together. Could he allow someone else in like that? Could he allow someone to help him?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Sleep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I found this on my old laptop, and after updating it, I have decided to post it here. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Remus... We have to be care- Oh GOD... Got to be qui- YES! REMUS!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“...shut up, Sirius! We’ll only get caught if you don’t shut the hell up...”</em>
</p><p> </p><p><br/><br/>Remus woke, drenched in sweat from yet another dream.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I remember that night. We were in one of the extra classrooms. Sirius... He...</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His heart squeezed with a sharp pang of fresh grief.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He’s gone... I didn’t even get to say goodbye.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He rolled over onto his side as the tears threatened him again. The Daily Prophet sat forgotten on the bedside table, smeared ink from his sorrow blotting their attempted amends to Sirius and the true story of the night that Sirius was framed for murder. The murders for which he was sent to Azkaban. The murders that had kept Remus away from his lover and best friend for twelve long years. The story that would have finally set him free... They waited until he was gone to announce that he was innocent... Beside the newspaper was Sirius’s picture. It smiled and waved to Remus as though nothing had happened, as if he had gone for a stroll.</p><p> </p><p><em>He’s dead… She</em> <em>killed him</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius’s own cousin and fellow Azkaban escapee had cast the curse that had taken his whole world from him. Sirius’s body was unable to be recovered, due to the unfortunate and tragic timing of his demise. Sirius had fallen through the veil, and Remus had watched as the love and laughter left his lover’s eyes, watched him be taken away forever.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>If I had just been faster… I could’ve saved him. If Harry hadn’t gone there at all… We could’ve just stayed where we were.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Anger began to rise within him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don’t blame him. It was not Harry’s fault.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus rubbed his eyes and hoped for the billionth time since that fateful night that he could open his eyes and it would all just be a dream, but he wasn’t nearly that fortunate. He had lost everything that mattered to him. Life wasn’t worth living without Sirius.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dumbledore made you promise. You’re too important to the Order. Besides, he will have died in vain.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Dumbledore. He had been sure to keep him as busy as possible with business for the Order in an attempt to help ease his pain. His method worked successfully as long as he was awake. Every night, he’d been dreaming about all of those glorious nights and afternoons that he had spent in the arms of Sirius Black. Last night’s dream had been a recap from one evening in their sixth year at Hogwarts.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>“Ooh, I’ve got a Prefect out of bed. He’s so naughty.”  Remus laughed and stopped to give Sirius a kiss. They had borrowed James’s Invisibility Cloak again and were currently on their way to an abandoned classroom. Remus could hardly wait, and Sirius wasn’t helping by continuously grabbing his ass.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Knock it off, Sirius, or we just might not make it to the classroom”, he quipped, winking at him. Sirius grinned and tried to get him to walk faster, but he had to keep his eye on the map for any signs of Filch or Mrs. Norris. Or McGonagall. She had almost busted them last time, for Sirius had been so loud, he’d roused many of the portraits from their slumber.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>She had charged into the classroom right after they had finished, and thankfully, they had already gotten the Cloak back on. Remus had nearly killed Sirius for being so indiscreet. He had told Sirius that they couldn’t meet at night in the classrooms after that, but of course, Sirius knew how to get what he wanted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“You make it so good, Remus. I just couldn’t help myself,” Sirius grinned and pulled Remus around to kiss him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“You know I can’t stay mad at you,” Remus sighed, his lips brushing over Sirius’s jaw.</em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>That’s how Sirius ended up on his back on a desk on the first floor yet again. Remus had been getting dressed again, and Sirius continued to lie there naked and gorgeous. He had had half a mind to take him again, but buckled up his trousers anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“I don’t know what the werewolves taught you, Moony, but you sure know how to drive a guy wild,” Sirius sighed as he ran his fingers through Remus’s hair.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Well, Padfoot, it doesn’t actually take much to please you”, he preened, reveling in the feeling of those fingers cording through his hair.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>Sirius sat up on the desk and ran his hand down Remus’s chest slowly. His hand stopped at his waistband on his trousers. Remus sighed, “Sirius, I just put them back on.”</em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>“True,” said Sirius, running his hand over the zipper, “but I believe that I’m still behind in my debts to you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>Remus gasped, “…Well, alright. I suppose you ca- GOD.” Sirius had already gotten his trousers open and was currently running his tongue all over Remus.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“C’mon, Moony, let’s see if I can make you howl,” he grinned, laughing at the resulting growl.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Not funny, Sirius.”  He braced himself back against the desk, pupils blown wide with lust, “Oh god, how do you do that?”  His head lolled back on his shoulders and he arched his hips towards Sirius once again, giving in like he always did. Whenever Sirius used his tongue like he was now, Remus never lasted very long. Sure enough, about a minute later, Sirius was licking his lips with a smirk while Remus caught his breath.<br/><br/></em>
</p><p><br/>Remus climbed out of bed, immediately heading for the comfort of the shower.  Letting the warm water run down his scarred, aging body, the loneliness washed over him once more. He felt so empty, and although he’d been going out every night that he wasn’t on duty for the Order, he was still very depressed. With a great effort, he turned off the water and reached for his wand to initiate a drying charm. Once dressed, he made his way to the kitchen to get some coffee.  There was an owl waiting on his counter, a letter tied to its foot. With an uneasy feeling, he took the letter from the owl. It was from Tonks.</p><p> </p><p>Remus;<br/><br/>I know how you’re feeling, and he was my cousin. We should go out for a drink tonight and talk. Get our minds off of it. Meet me at the Hog’s head at 8. We used to be so close, Remus… We’re all worried about you.<br/>Tonks</p><p><br/><br/>He groaned and sipped his coffee. He couldn’t blow her off. Besides, she was right. Sirius was her cousin and they had been close, too. He would have to cancel his plans for tonight. You shouldn’t be going there anyways. You’re better than that. He had been going to bars every night, picking up young men and even a few women, just to feel something, anything. He never bothered learning their names. Another owl flew through the window. He took the Daily Prophet from the owl and placed a knut in the pouch on its leg and it flew off. Another official apology to Harry and Dumbledore, more confirmed deaths, most of them Muggles. Yes, Voldemort certainly wasn’t keeping his return under wraps any more. His Death Eaters were wreaking havoc all over Great Britain now. They had recently taken out the Brockdale bridge and caused a freak hurricane in West Country that had killed many Muggles. Clutching both the Prophet and the letter from Tonks, he returned to his bedroom. He tossed both onto his bed, deciding to worry about them later. He was exhausted. Returning to the washroom, he rinsed his face with cool water. He looked in the mirror.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>“You look like hell, Remus,” Sirius announced, running his hands over his shoulders.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Thanks, Sirius. I feel much better now,” Remus sighed as Sirius rubbed his shoulders. It was the night before the full moon.<br/><br/></em>
</p><p><br/>If only he could see me now. Remus laughed dryly. He pulled on his robes and grabbed his wand. He had a meeting with Dumbledore this morning. Dumbledore was to meet him in Hogsmeade for breakfast to update him on his Order duties. He checked the time and decided that he had to leave now, or he’d never make it there on time. With a flick of his wand, he locked up and enabled all of the security charms, and he was out on his front sidewalk. He walked across the street and after looking around, he apparated into the village of Hogsmeade. As he glanced up at the castle, his heart lurched.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>“C’mon, Remus! Live a little!” Sirius wore a huge grin on his face as he led the way down into Hogsmeade. James smiled and put his arms around Lily, his new girlfriend. Peter followed at a short distance, apprehensive. Remus shook off his doubts and sprinted towards Sirius in the snow. He whispered in his ear and dropped a snowball down his pants, chuckling and running ahead. James and Lily rolled their eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“You two have got to be the horniest wizards I know!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Shut up, Prongs!” Sirius threw a snowball back at him, but it missed and hit Lily in the face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Damn it, Sirius,” she cursed, throwing one back at him. Sirius ducked and it hit Remus in the back of the head.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“That’s it, Evans!” He sent a snowball whizzing towards her, but James jumped in front of her, throwing one right back at him, hitting Sirius instead. Before they knew it, they were in all-out snowball fight while Peter stood to the side, laughing. They all stopped and turned to look at him, and then without warning, sent snowballs flying at him. He was knocked clean off his feet, and they all began to laugh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Look sharp, Wormtail,” yelled Remus, clutching his side in laughter. “You should’ve seen that coming!” He slowly got to his feet and they all stopped laughing. Wormtail brushed the snow off of him and looked around to find the source of the sudden silence of his companions. He turned to see a snow-covered Severus Snape, his wand raised, pointed right at James.<br/></em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Good afternoon, Snivellus.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Perhaps it would be best if you worked on your aim, Potter.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Maybe it would be best if you lowered your wand and continued on your way,” Remus reasoned carefully.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Snape turned his wand on Remus.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius immediately raised his wand, “Do you honestly think that you could attack a Gryffindor Prefect and get away with it, Snivellus?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Oh, my most sincere apologies,” Snape spat, dark eyes locked on Sirius. “I did not mean to put your boyfriend in any harm, Black.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“You bastard,” Sirius snarled, flicking his wand in anger, “STUPEFY!” Snape went flying backwards, and Sirius kicked his wand away from him, sending it sailing away into the snow.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Sirius, back off.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“He deserves it”, Sirius shouted, pointing his wand down at Snape’s throat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“SIRIUS, NO! EXPELLIARMUS!” Sirius’s wand went flying from his hand. He turned to see who the culprit was, and to his surprise, it was Remus’s wand that was raised.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Remus…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Sirius, let’s go… Accio wand!” Remus handed his wand back to him and pulled him ahead of the group. “You lost it back there.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“He crossed the line!” Remus pulled Sirius down the path, headed for the Shrieking Shack.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“I don’t think he did.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“What do y-</em>
  <em>”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“I mean, that he only called me your ‘boyfriend’. Honestly, Sirius, I don’t see what’s so offensive about that. I mean, I thought that I was…”\</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sirius stopped, “Well, you are. I just… He meant it in a nasty way.”  </em>
  <em>Remus opened the door and shut it in his face. “Remus, come on, I only did it for us… I didn’t like the way he said it is all. Open up?”<br/></em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Remus unlocked the door and wandered up the stairs. Sirius came after him. “Yeah? Prove it.”<br/><br/><br/></em>
</p><p>Shaky breaths were all that he could manage, seeing as this was the closest he had been to the castle since Sirius’s death. Grounding himself, he looked up to study the old, rotting sign that marked the Hog’s Head. His breathing slowed, and he took another deep breath to relax his muscles. With one last pang of grief, Remus Lupin went inside.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Betrayal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>As Voldemort's followers leave chaos and hysteria in their wake, the Order must work harder to fight against their advances. Dumbledore's chosen few are the front line against the rise of the Dark Lord's new regime. Can they endure the loss, the pain, and the brevity of the sacrifices asked of them?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Good morning, Remus,” rasped a kind voice from the shadows.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus removed his hood, quickly drying the rain from his shoulders before stepping in the direction of the greeting. He managed a polite nod before sliding into the seat opposite the man, “And to you, Albus.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Inquisitive blue eyes swept over him, and he knew better than to try and hide anything from his old friend. Albus Dumbledore had believed in him when no one else had, and he owed him his life. He was aware of the dark circles and deep bags under his eyes, and far more aware of the fact that he looked much worse off than usual. The exhaustion that had plagued him for most of his life due to his condition was nothing compared to the grief that was slowly sapping the life from him. The older man cast him a sympathetic glance but chose not to lecture him. He leaned back in his seat and smiled as his goblet filled with pumpkin juice. “I do enjoy a nice pumpkin juice on a rainy morning.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus stared thoughtfully out the window, noting the rain drops cascading down from the roof, accenting the dreariness of a foggy morning. Not that this was unusual, for each day brought endless fog and misery since the Dementors had gone rogue and the Dark Lord had returned. A flash of movement caught his eye, and he noticed the way that the other man hastily tucked his right hand away. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion but chose to save his inquiry for a later time. The wise man before him would tell him if it were of import. He trusted him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What news of Harry,” he asked to break the silence, grimacing at his own cup of coffee before taking a sip. He watched the steam rise from the mug to combat the atmosphere of dust that seemed to multiply in the dingy air of the Hogs Head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He is restless as one might expect,” he began, waving his wrist to send away his order. “A necessary precaution, I’m afraid.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus sighed, doing the same, though he was far from hungry. He had become accustomed to running through the motions these days. “I only wish that it were possible for him to not return to those people. At least he could be happier, then.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The older man pondered this for a long moment before staring at him across his half-moon glasses, “If I were able to prioritize his happiness over his safety, I would do so gladly. However, I’m afraid that the world is not always so kind or simple. While the Dursleys are not my first choice, he is safe there.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He scoffed, sitting back in his seat to look at the man in disbelief, “Surely you have seen him after a summer spent in that infernal place he is supposed to call a home?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I am well aware of the things that have transpired there,” he responded. “It was I who placed him there all those years ago.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Remus stared at the devastation of what should have been the festively decorated home of his best friends. The bitter night air of October did nothing to sway him as he squeezed his eyes shut against the icy tendrils of loss slowly strangling him from within. They were gone forever. Hot tears slipped down his cheeks, warming against the biting promise of November. A simple warming charm could have easily restored his body temperature, but it would not touch the shivers that threatened to overwhelm him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><br/><br/>Sirius. How could he have betrayed them? James was his brother, Lily his favorite person in the world. Now they were gone from this world because he had allowed the darkness within his bloodline to take him. The Dark Lord had found them, despite all of their precautions, and now he was alone. Movement to his left drew him from his stupor, and his wand sliced through the night air in warning to whoever had come to disrupt this nightmare.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Steady, Remus,” whispered a haggard voice.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><br/><br/>He scrubbed his face in exhaustion, and slowly lowered his wand, “Minerva. Apologies, I-“</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Apologies be damned, I would have just as soon cursed you given the circumstances,” she dropped to her knees, sinking slightly in the damp earth, the rain having passed for now. “The boy is safe.”<br/><br/></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>His heart ached at the thought of the sweet boy that he had played with only 72 hours earlier, an orphan and a legend all at once. He struggled to find his voice, swallowing hard against the wave of anger that coursed through him, “How could this have happened?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Minerva stifled a sob as her furious tears sliced through the earth beneath her. With a great effort, she stood before turning to face him with a grave expression. They both knew, but could not believe that Sirius, his Sirius, had betrayed them all. James and Lily were dead. Peter was dead. Sirius had stamped himself a one-way ticket to Azkaban, and he was all alone.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alone, as he had spent most of his life. If he had known the truth of what had happened on that night, he would have gone after Pettigrew himself. He would have fought like hell to clear the name of the man he loved. Instead, Sirius had spent his final days ostracized, just as he had been as a result of his lycanthropy. Now his best friends and the love of his life were truly gone, and the cold-hearted fiend he had once called a friend still lurked in the shadow of his own cowardice. <br/><br/><br/></p>
<p>The arrival of their meal had pulled him from his thoughts, and he was met by a knowing glance. The older man buttered his toast and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully before humming in satisfaction. Remus stared at his own spread in distaste, the thought of trying to stomach anything in his current state repulsive. Nevertheless, he brought his own slice of toast to his lips and did his best to look enthused about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“One could certainly say that the place could do with an update and perhaps a nice cleaning, but the food has never failed to impress,” the old man mused, finishing off his slice of toast.</p>
<p><br/><br/>Remus shrugged noncommittally, fighting down another bite of arguably mediocre breakfast, and silently praying that this meeting would not outlast his politeness.</p>
<p><br/><br/>With a small hesitation on his part, Dumbledore began to eat using his left hand, keeping his dominant right concealed beneath the gnarled table. Once more, the younger man stared at him in suspicion, but kept his wonder to himself. He reached for his napkin, wiping at his mouth before snapping his fingers and grasping the Daily Prophet that appeared before him, “I’m afraid that these foolish stunts of the Death Eaters are growing more dangerous and grandiose by the day.”</p>
<p><br/><br/>Remus nodded solemnly, aware of the news of the Brockdale Bridge collapse and the Muggle lives that it had unnecessarily claimed. He pushed his pitifully picked at food away and waved his hand, sending it away at the risk of losing what he had fought so hard to force down. “Fudge will never recover from this,” he muttered, staring hard at photo of the man on the front of the paper.</p>
<p><br/>“Certainly not. His own foolishness has been his downfall,” Albus sighed, reaching for his goblet and taking a long sip.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“Foolishness has been the foundation of his entire campaign,” Remus dismissed, glancing out the window once more.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“He will step down. Arthur claims that the Ministry is crumbling at a much faster rate than we had anticipated,” he declared, folding the paper over and vanishing it with another wave of his hand.</p>
<p><br/><br/>This news surprised him, and he returned his attention from the bleak landscape of the window. “Has he announced his resignation? Who will take his place,” Lupin queried.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“Cornelius made a fatal error in his decision to repress the news of Voldemort’s return,” Albus explained. “He has lost all credibility in the face of the overwhelming evidence of dark magic, and will have no choice but to resign. As for his replacement,” he paused, considering the weight of the conversation, “I do not envision a Prime Minister that seeks the welfare of both magic and non-magic folk. We must be more vigilant than ever.”</p>
<p><br/><br/>“Come now, Albus. You are beginning to sound like Moody,” Remus quipped.</p>
<p><br/><br/>Albus considered his remark before offering a sad smile, “Unfortunately, I think that we may all wish before too long that we labored under the same caution that Alastor has maintained.”</p>
<p><br/><br/>Remus nodded bitterly, knowing all too well how recklessness had lost them some of their best and brightest minds of the Order. He curled his hands into fists to keep control of his emotions, knowing that this was not the place to make a scene.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“I think it is time that we become more proactive in our mission before it is too late,” he mused, a strange look crossing his wrinkled features.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“How should we proceed? Has Severus provided you with insight on what they could be planning next,” he wondered, swallowing his distrust of the man in question.</p>
<p><br/><br/>“This year will be very important for us. We must keep Harry safe at all costs. I will do my best to ensure this, but I am afraid I will be spending periods of time away from Hogwarts on my own errands,” Albus stated. “I require your expertise, Remus. You know that I do not wish to ask this of you.”</p>
<p><br/><br/>Remus sat back in disbelief at the implications of what he was asking, “Albus, you know that I would die by your side with no hesitation, but <em>this</em>…”</p>
<p><br/><br/>“<em>This </em>is the best way that you can assist us as of right now. I need someone that I can trust, someone that can safely gather information,” he spoke softly, staring at him with great sadness. “Can you do this for us, Remus?”</p>
<p><br/><br/>Remus swallowed his anger and anxiety about his new assignment, and considered the importance of this request, before responding begrudgingly, “I fear what may become of me during this venture, but for you, Albus, I will.” He shook the man’s good hand and paid his debt before gathering his cloak and stepping into the rain once more.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Werewolves. He would be interacting with werewolves.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Prejudice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After fighting his whole life to avoid others like him, Remus must now actively search for them and gain information about Lord Voldemort's plans for the Order. How much must he sacrifice before this is all over?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sounds of Diagon Alley rang out around him, and he kept his head low. Since the year he had taught at Hogwarts, his condition had become common knowledge. He made a mental list of the supplies he would need to gather in order to prepare for his travel, and he only hoped that he could acquire them with little to no trouble. His condition made simple tasks such as shopping much more difficult when one had to worry about being discriminated against. Many shops he had passed by in his childhood had held signs advertising their refusal to sell to werewolves, and even though no one had known then, his father had always made him wait outside in case the shops were magically protected.</p><p> </p><p>Throughout his adulthood, he had experienced these prejudices firsthand, as well as the humiliation that came with being turned away. Several times he had even been forced to acquire his necessities through less than desirable locations, such as the dark and twisted shadows of Knockturn Alley. His kind were more welcome there, much to his distaste. It was no secret that the alpha, Fenrir Greyback, was actively involved with Lord Voldemort’s cause. Many, if not most of his own followers were quick to follow him, desperately seeking community in any manner they could. He gritted his teeth at the stories of what werewolf packs had been known to do, especially those close to Greyback himself.</p><p><br/><br/>The mere thought of that monster set his hair on edge. <em>Monster</em>. A word that many had used to describe <em>him</em> as a result of the vicious attack that had changed his life forever. He had avoided the packs for all this time, and now he would actively be seeking them out. At age 36, he had spent his whole life desperately trying to keep others safe, isolating himself and self-inflicting wounds upon his own flesh during his transformations. His parents had kept him hidden, uprooting their lives the moment that anyone had drawn attention to his peculiarities. The first person to treat him as a child was none other than Albus Dumbledore, who had fought for him to come to Hogwarts. He had seen his potential, had chosen to believe in him, just as his friends had. For the first time in his life, he had felt welcome, <em>loved. </em>After the murders of his best friends and the imprisonment of Sirius, when he believed himself to be alone once more, he had returned to solitude. It was Albus who had found him once more and returned him to his true home—Hogwarts.</p><p><br/><br/>He sighed, steeling himself for the chore of interaction. He drew his cloak tighter around him and stepped into the closest shop to begin his task.<br/><br/><br/>His return home had been welcome, as the afternoon had robbed him of the energy that was already so sparse. He collapsed in an exhausted heap onto his sofa, knowing that he needed to ready his belongings. Dumbledore expected him to depart as soon as possible, and while he had heard whispers of some pack activity, he did not possess conclusive evidence of locations to start his search. Drawing his wand from within his robes, he conjured a glass and his bottle of Firewhiskey, too tired to get to his feet. He checked his pocketwatch, noting the time with a grimace. He was due to meet with Tonks in less than an hour. He had agreed to meet with her before he knew what he would be preparing for and felt that he would be doing her a service by staying home rather than providing poor company. He poured a glass and took a long sip of his drink. With a sigh, he let his head fall back against the couch with a soft thud. <br/><br/><br/></p><p>
  <em>The Great Hall glowed bright with enthusiasm and nerves as the group of first years awaited their sorting. Excited chatters throughout the group just made him more anxious. He was certain that his condition would land him in Slytherin, and while he had researched each house in depth, he couldn’t shake the rumor about evil witches and wizards ending being sorted into the Serpent’s house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>As Duncan Kelly was sorted into Ravenclaw, he stared down at his feet. It had to be getting close now. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Lupin, Remus,” called a thin woman in a large witch’s hat. She stared at him seriously as he approached her with caution.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Finally seated on the stool, the infamous Sorting Hat was lowered onto his messy, light brown hair. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, bracing himself for the verdict. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“A werewolf, eh? You’re not the first of your kind to sit here, you know,” mused the hat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus winced, not expecting to hear this news, but feeling more disheartened by the second about the results. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“You are not the first of your affliction, but I have never seen one with so much heart, nor a brilliant mind. You worry what others will think of you because of your blood, that it makes you less than your peers? Dear boy, you will do great things. Let it be, GRYFFINDOR!”<br/><br/><br/>Cheers erupted from the far-left table, and he stood in shock, walking numbly toward his new housemates. He barely registered the claps on his back and the smiling faces around him as he took a seat, still processing the last few minutes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“It’s okay to be scared, you know,” said a soft voice beside him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>He quickly turned to see a young girl with red hair and bright green eyes. He shook his head, looking back down at the empty plate in front of him, “I’m not scared.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“It’s nice to meet you, Not Scared. I’m Lily Evans,” she gave him a wry smile, and stuck out her hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>He stared at her incredulously before letting out a snort, “Well, Lily Evans, that is the worst joke I’ve ever heard. I’m Remus. Remus Lupin.” He shook her hand politely, before folding his hands in front of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“It got you to laugh, and that’s all that matters,” she stated matter-of-factly with a smug smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>He shook his head, fighting a smile of his own, “I suppose you are correct.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Several minutes later, a new Gryffindor with the messiest head of hair he had ever seen plopped into the seat to the right of him, immediately speaking, “James Potter, mate. Good to meet you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus hesitated before looking at the other boy, “I’m Remus Lupin.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Cool, what’s with the scars on your face,” the other boy inquired, cocking his head in curiosity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remus felt his jaw drop approximately half a second before the girl from before was pushing him back to get a clear view of the other boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“What is the matter with you? You don’t just ask people questions like that, you fool,” she hissed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>James held up his hands in surrender, “What, I was just wondering! I didn’t mean anything by it, honest!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Maybe he’s sensitive about it,” she continued, glaring at him, and the sheer novelty of the situation finally hit him. The girl that he had just met, the first person he had even talked to was defending his honor, ready to fight a boy nearly twice her size.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>He couldn’t help himself as laughter began to bubble out of him, surprising the parties on both sides of him. James eyed him wearily and Lily raised her brow at him in question. “Sorry, I just,” he smiled, trying to stifle his giggles, “I’m not used to people defending me like that. It’s cute.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Lily huffed in mock annoyance, rolling her eyes before turning to talk to the girl on her left. James watched the fiery redhead for a moment before turning his attention back to the boy between them. “I uh, I’m sorry if I offended you. I think they look kind of cool.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus turned back to the other Gryffindor, “If that’s your idea of an apology, you may want to work on that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>James ran his hand over the back of his neck in embarrassment, sheepishly avoiding the other boy’s gaze, “Yeah, I um… Dad says I’m not the best at communicating. Sorry, mate.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus gave him a small smile, “That’s alright. You’re the first person to ever describe them as ‘cool’ and not ‘hideous’. Actually, most people generally just avoid talking to me altogether.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>James’s eyes widened in surprise, and he shook his head, “Well to hell with that. I think those people are gits.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>The final student, Abigail Williams was sorted into Hufflepuff and the Headmaster signaled for the feast to begin. Remus ate his fill, occasionally chatting with both Lily and James throughout the meal. He listened to Dumbledore’s speech and then followed his fellow students to Gryffindor Tower. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>The common room provided instant comfort, and he felt more at home than he had in years. At the prefect’s direction, he followed the spiral staircase up until he found his dormitory. Upon entry, he noticed two other boys busy unpacking their belongings. The smaller of the two was hunched near the contents of trunk, not noticing him at all. As he found his own belongings, the taller boy with shaggy black hair turned with a wide smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Hello there! You must be James.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus shook his head with a smile, “No, I’m afraid not. I’m Remus.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Sirius punched the air with his fist, “Ah, damn. I glanced at the trunks beforehand, I guess I forgot which one went where. Remus, eh? I’m Sirius.” He smoothed his hair out of his eyes, coming over to sit on the other’s bed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus was unused to so many people in his space, as his parents had kept him away from other people. Now in the span of three hours, he had made two acquaintances and now there was a boy on his bed. “Sirius? Like the star?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Sirius smiled up at him, “Exactly! My family thought they were being clever. So, Remus.” He drew out the syllables like he was testing it out, “Like Romulus and Remus?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He felt a pang of discomfort and gave a sad smile. ‘If only he knew’, he thought. “I suppose my family also thought they were being clever, but I’m an only child.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“You’re not missing much. My younger brother is a massive git,” he drawled, sprawling back across the bed. “You know what? I think your bed is more comfortable than mine, and that’s not fair.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus barked out a laugh, startling the smaller boy in the room whose eyes darted around the room in alarm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Steady on, Peter,” Sirius laughed, shaking his head before looking back at Remus. “Don’t worry about Peter there, he’s a bit jumpy.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Peter shyly waved from across the room before returning to his task of unpacking. Remus stared at his own trunk, knowing that he needed to unpack, but not wishing to end this interaction. The other boy twirled his wand between his slender fingers. With the excitement of the day and the residual fatigue from the recent full moon, he could not help himself from yawning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>“Dear me, Remus, is it past your bedtime,” Sirius teased, eyes twinkling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus rolled his eyes, but gave a genuine smile, “Unfortunately, yes. Some of us need all the beauty rest we can get.” He opened his trunk, looking for his pajamas, “I’m going to need my bed back, you know.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Sirius rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbow to grin at him, “Hmm, sorry. Can’t help you there. I was serious when I said yours is more comfortable.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em><br/>“Well, serious Sirius,” Remus smiled back at him, “I suggest you find your way back to your own bed before I just fall asleep on you instead.”<br/><br/><br/>“Ooh, a feisty one,” Sirius quipped, sprawling out even more, “You know, we could always just share it.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus blushed, trying to think of something to say, but thankfully was saved by James Potter who had just entered the room with their fifth roommate, Simon. “Quit your flirting, Black,” he teased, “Can’t you see you’re scaring poor Remus here?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Sirius sat up with a huff, “Oh, shut it, Potter. Remus here looks like he’s quite capable of fighting his own battles.” He slid gracefully from the bed to depart for his own, making sure to stick his tongue out at James as he passed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><br/><br/>Remus shook his head, heading for the bathroom to change into his pajamas in order to hide the extensive scars covering his body from his roommates. When he returned, the other boys were all preparing for bed as well, and so he climbed into his bed and drew the curtains for some privacy. He considered the events of the day and decided that it had been one of the best days he had ever had. He was finally looking forward to being at Hogwarts and the adventures it would bring. He closed his eyes, allowing his mind to wander. He couldn’t wait to get to know his roommates better, maybe even call them friends. With a frown, he let reality set in, hoping that they wouldn’t ask too many questions about his monthly disappearances. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em><br/></em>A loud knock woke him with a start, and he smoothed his hair back from his face, noting the darkness around him and the unpleasant dampness of something down his front. He glanced down his body in disgust, waving his hand to dry himself. He would deal with the sofa later. A quick glance at his watch told him it was just after midnight. Another impatient knock increased his irritation, and he hoisted himself to his feet with a great effort.</p><p><br/><br/>“Alright, I’m coming,” he snapped, drawing his wand and approaching the door with caution. He peeked through the peephole and noted an annoyed young woman with bright pink hair. He cursed softly before opening the door, “Nymphadora.”</p><p><br/><br/>She strode past him in agitation, dispelling any doubts that he had about whether she was her true self and not an imposter, “Remus.”</p><p><br/><br/>He closed the door with a grimace, far too weary for a confrontation. He braced himself with a deep breath before slowly turning to face her, “I assure you, you have my deepest apologie-“</p><p><br/><br/>She held up her hand to silence him, “Save it.”</p><p><br/><br/>His initial irritation was no match for his politeness, and he took a seat at the dining table, choosing to let her speak.</p><p><br/><br/>She stared at him with a blank look for several moments before moving closer to him, the shadows from the windowpane slicing across her face in the dim glow of the streetlamps outside. He raised his arm to bring on the lights, then cast his eye downward to study his own worn hands.</p><p> </p><p>She paused for half a moment before speaking in a shaky voice, “I’m not doing this, Remus. I will not stand by and watch you slip through the cracks. Sirius is dead, but you are not.”<br/><br/>Remus flinched, shocked by her directness. He ignored the sting of her comment, choosing to redirect the conversation, “You misunderstand me. I did not mean to stand you up tonight. Something important came up.”</p><p><br/><br/>She snorted, rolling her eyes at him as she sat back in the chair, “Right, because getting drunk alone in the dark is a much better alternative to being with your friends. I can smell the alcohol.”</p><p><br/><br/>He winced, knowing that he should have magicked away the spill from his sofa, before letting his patience slip, “I am not drunk, Dora. I’m exhausted.”</p><p><br/><br/>“You have to let yourself loosen up, Remus. Sirius would wan-“</p><p><br/><br/>“To hell with what he would want,” Remus snapped, standing abruptly and turning his back to her as the emotion took over. He leaned heavily against the kitchen counter, staring out the window. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely even breathe!” He slammed his fist into the counter, whirling around to face her once more, “You have <em>no idea</em> what I have been going through. He was everything to me!” Angry tears rolled down his cheeks as he glared at her, breathing heavily.</p><p><br/><br/>Tonks stared back at him in shock, her eyes swimming with tears of her own, “R-Remus, I’m so… I’m so sorry, I didn’t think… I’m sorry.”</p><p><br/><br/>He closed his eyes, working hard to regain control of himself and feeling the weight of his exhaustion bearing down on him more than ever. He didn’t want to do this right now. He wanted to be alone. He had a mission to prepare for, and this was robbing him of all the strength he had left, “I’ll be going away for some time, Dumbledore’s orders.”</p><p><br/><br/>The younger woman nodded, still letting silent tears fall, “Where will you be going?”</p><p><br/><br/>He hesitated for a long moment before wiping his face in irritation, “My condition is far from a secret. I must do what he asks of me.”<br/><br/></p><p><br/>She gasped, bringing her hands to her lips in horror, “No, Remus! How could he ask <em>that</em> of you? You’ll be killed!”</p><p><br/>“It is certainly a possibility,” he grimaced. <br/><br/></p><p><br/>“Let me come with you, then,” she began, coming to stand before him. “You shouldn’t do this alone.”</p><p><br/><br/>“No,” he stated firmly, “I will not allow an innocent life to be lost or… Or worse.”</p><p><br/><br/>“Remus, ple-“, she pleaded.</p><p><br/><br/>“I said no,” he shouted, running his hands through his hair, before biting his cheek. He paused, “I think it best that you leave now. I have work to do.”<br/><br/><br/>She stared at him sadly, closing her eyes and nodding, “Very well, Remus.” She approached him carefully, reaching up to place a hand on his cheek, “Be safe. Please.”</p><p><br/><br/>He nodded, knowing better than to make promises that he could not keep. He watched her leave, and allowed himself to slump to the floor, hugging his knees. Tomorrow he would go. Tomorrow would change his life forever. With a great effort, he rose to his feet, dragging himself off to bed.<br/><br/></p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>